End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
