Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
