you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
