no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
