dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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