This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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