MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
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Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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