Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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