Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
