and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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