I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
