I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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