I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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