I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
