This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sober January is a disaster.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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