Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
