Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She needs sedatives and a leash
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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