hell yes lets make some ravioli
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
