so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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