I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
