i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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