my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
