She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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