I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
