My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
