I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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