And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
