I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
