I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
