God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
