I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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