yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
