So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
