but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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