I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
