Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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