I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
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When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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