You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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