physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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