Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
