I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
