I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
