You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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