I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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