Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
