I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
