i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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