just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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