I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
