so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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