I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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