Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
