Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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