i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
