sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
