does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
