hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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