I seem to have left my pride at pride
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
