Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
